Editorial Monday 20 February 2012: Shaping the agenda for the Number 10 health reform round table non-summit

10 Downing Street preparing for round-table non-summit 20.2.2012 - health reforms.

(None of this really happened. Obviously.)

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SH: Free your minds. Set your thoughts to roaming. Blue sky thoughts from inside the wigwam of trust

DC: We need a title, something snappy. Relaunching the pause?

(There is a pause)

DC: The message is love. We love the NHS. The NHS loves us. Love is all around.

GO: No - no Troggs. Romancing the NHS - all you need is love (and a sector regulator).

AL: Can I just ...

ALL: NO!

OL: Have we mentioned that GPs are private businesses recently?

GO: I believe it may have been mentioned in a few briefings, yes.

SH: Maybe we could get radical. Abandon all NHS treatment every Thursday, just to see what happens.

NC and DA enter

DC: Oh, hi Nick.

NC: Hi. Is this the NHS meeting? Danny and I didn't get the memo until just now.

DA: George, I've got an idea for how to shave a few more million off the welfare budget ...

GO: That's super, Danny. Would you get me a cup of tea?

DC: Oh, Nick, would you mind awfully getting me a tea? Thanks, that's very kind.

AL: Can I have a ...

ALL: NO!

NC and DA exit.

GO: Right, look, this is a bit fucked. Cooper's telling us the NHS is polling abominably. We know that Nicholson can do the grip by short and curlies, but even the pro-reform GP mobs are starting to spot that he is just a little bit of a centralist. Dave, that arsehole O' Shaughnessey coughed about the pause being a sham. Oliver, we're not looking too clever.

SH: Maybe "not looking clever" is the new Um Bongo.

DC: Yes, thanks Steve. Oliver?

OL: Well, ... there's always Plan D.

GO: Look, I like Stephen, he's a good chap. But he's done some great dummy runs from the backbenches. We might need more of that. Right: Andrew - you're going to be grovelling to doctors for the next few weeks. After that, we'll got for Plan B.

DC: Plan B?

GO: Plan B. Bore Them Into Submission. Andrew will explain the Bill, and explain it, and explain it to everyone who's not inside the wigwam until they're knawing their arms off with the tedium.

AL: Great! Shall I just quickly explain ...

ALL: NO!

DC: Okay. But what do we do if that doesn't work?

(There is a pause)

GO: There's always Simon Burns.