Editorial Thursday 28 February 2013: The NHS Commissioning Board meeting in advance

HPI readers are nothing if not down with the NHS Commissioning Board, and love its live-streamed board meetings.

In the spirit of the new transparency, I can reveal in advance all the key points of today's board meeting in Manchester.

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1. Comrade Sir David does not get sacked.

2. Comrade Sir David announces a cultural revolution in the NHS. Openness and transparency are now mandatory, with immediate summary dismissal for anyone having any thought at any point that they do not share.

Transparency tsar Tim Kelsey is commissioning an innovative private sector solutions that will ensure that the neural impulses in all NHS staff's brains will be emailed directly and instantly to tellComradeSirDavidincompleteconfidenceandwithoutfearofreprisal@commissioningboard.nhs.uk

Comrade Kelsey will be making no direct profit personally from this deal.

All conduct of all liberated NHS staff comrades will be prescribed in a new small book publication. After a short but amusingly heated debate, the Board will accept Comrade Sir David's suggestion that an appropriate choice for the colour of the cover would be red.

3. Comrade Sir David will announce the successful collectivisation of technical commissioning functions previously done by PCTs (which, like SHAs, Comrade Kelsey's neural public-private partnership will erase from NHS staff consciousness) into Commissioning Support Collectives. These are a roaring success, already adored by clinical commissioning groups.

4. Robert Francis will give a presentation about his public inquiry report. The Board will thank him for his hard work, note its contents and promise faithfully that lessons will be learned - without in any way specifying what those lessons may be.

5. The meeting will end with group singing of the new NHS Commissioning Board song. Reports that it is in fact The Internationale could not be confirmed at the time of going to press.