Guest editorial Thursday 7 June 2016: A new, kinder NHS

Labour party insider and health policy adviser Mo Mentum explains what a Corbyn government will do to get the NHS back on its feet

Pledge 1: We will immediately put a stop to plans by this totally corrupt Tory government to break up and sell off our NHS, starting by repealing the Lansley Act which handed over control of everything to David Cameron’s rich chums Richard Branson and Simon Stevens.

Pledge 2: Comrade Sir David Nicholson will be brought back from outer space, where he was tricked into going by Lansley to stop him interfering with the totally top-down reforms that were so big he could see them from exile on Pluto. Comrade Nicholson will be stripped of the totally top-down knighthood imposed on him by the unelected monarch and her rich chums and he will be reinstated as head of the NHS, reporting to Diane Abbott.

Pledge 3: We will get rid of TTIP to stop Donald Trump handing control of the NHS to his rich chums and building a wall around it to keep out Mexicans, muslims and ordinary working people.

Pledge 4: We will immediately abolish all private providers including GPs, foundation trusts, dentists, community pharmacies, high street opticians, social enterprises, Serco, Virgin and that American company that used to be run by Simon Stevens and his rich chums.

Pledge 5: We will get rid of austerity, which was designed to punish ordinary working people for voting for Jeremy, and replace it with a programme of investment in the NHS and social care that will create thousands of jobs and return Britain to prosperity.

Pledge 6: The governor of the Bank of England and his rich chums will be deported, all banks will be abolished and a new Department of Money will be set up, reporting to John McDonnell. The Department will print as much money as we need to fund the NHS properly for the benefit of ordinary working people.

Pledge 7: We will invest in wheelbarrow manufacturing to make it easier for people to carry the money generated by any hyper-inflation resulting from Pledge 6. This will revive the British steel industry and create more jobs for ordinary working people and their newly rich (albeit only on paper) chums.

Pledge 8: Starbucks, Google, Amazon and other totally corrupt private companies that have avoided paying tax so they could give free coffee, search results and books to their rich chums will be nationalised. Then we will tax the hell out of them (This one may need more work – J McD).

Pledge 9: We will void the totally corrupt Brexit result engineered by Johnson, Gove and their rich chums and immediately organise a ballot of rank and file Labour party members to vote on staying in Europe (Er, no we won’t – JC).

Pledge 10: We will replace the totally corrupt and undemocratic system of representative democracy with a free vote on Change.org for ordinary working people on every important issue affecting the NHS. For example, if someone wants to close a hospital and turn it into an elitist country club for their rich old-Etonian/Blairite war-criminal chums, every rank and file member of the Labour party will have a say in their punishment.